Sunday, April 08, 2007

The Dozen Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

A friend's blog inspired me to try to dream up my top 100 movies. As I tried to think about all the great movies I've seen, I found it easier to name the bad ones. So I've compiled a list here. A word about rationale. I decided movies like "Air Bud" or "Joe Dirt" would be too obvious. We all know what we're getting when we watch those movies. The following dozen movies actually have a fan base. They are actually supposed to be good, but for the life of me I don't know why. I'm sure some will disagree with me, this is all my personal opinion, and certainly sometimes you just see a movie on the wrong night. But still, as I look back I have to say that it feels like these twelve flicks stole about 24 hours of my life from me.

1. Armageddon

This was so overdone I couldn't believe my eyes. I was laughing most of the way through at the melodrama. When the theatre erupted in applause at the movie's climax I couldn't believe my ears. Worst movie ever.

2. Wild Wild West

The typical buddy movie, except awful. Trying too hard, and failing miserably. Our living room was packed with people to watch this movie and we ALL fell asleep. I'm not even joking. We all awoke grumpy, knowing we had just wasted a couple hours of our lives we'd never get back.

3. Seabiscuit

This movie, I just don't get it, was so popular and yet I found it so typical and boring. Perhaps it would help if I liked horses, or horse racing, but even then I'm not sure I could have gotten past the awful scenes, like the one pictured left, where Toby is clearly riding a broom stick with a horse head on it.

4. Matrix Reloaded

I enjoyed the first one, although not as much as everyone else. But this one was the same stuff "reloaded", only more confusing and more ridiculous. It got old for me really fast. The scene depicted here, with Keanu fighting hundreds of Andersons, was just stupid. I figure if I want to watch a video game I'll go hang out with my cousins. At least I can do that for free.

5. Jurassic Park III

I figure I owed it to the JP series to see number 3, but I regret it. It almost appeared as if they spliced it together from scenes from the first two. I hear this movie had no script. I believe it. Sam Neill was exposed for his horrible acting, which almost ruined the first one.

6. Mission Impossible 2

Oh man, what a let down. Instead of a spy movie we got the typical action fare. It was like Cruise was Stallone or Schwartzenegger all of a sudden. Worse yet, Van Damme or Chan. I couldn't wait for this crap to end.

7. The Santa Clause 2

I think Christmas movies are some of the worst ever made. It is such easy money for people. In December if it is red and green it sells. The first one was passable, but this one was awful. The only time I laughed was when we turned the commentary on and heard how seriously the director took this "film". No offense, I know that there is a market for the "Hallmark movie genre" and if you like it that's fine. But let's not pretend its more than it is. For me it was a snoozer, and it cheapened an already cheap holiday even more.

8. Cheaper by the Dozen

There are a lot of family movies that could probably make this list, but most of them I don't watch. Let this one stand in for them all. The jokes are all cliche and the stereotypes are mind numbing. I only hope that people who are on the fence about having kids don't see this movie. It will only reinforce their ridiculous fears.

9. Face/Off

What is the director's name? Woo? Whoever he is I can't stand how he makes movies. I know some of my friends and family really love the slow motion sweat dripping or cape furling in the wind, but I personally find it hard to take. Especially when it is Nicolas Cage. Other than "The Family Man" I think he has nearly ruined every movie he's been in.

10. The Last Castle

I generally like the prison movie genre, but this one was brutal. It was just so obvious and overdone. It almost ruins the genre.

11. Big Daddy

I liked the early Adam Sandler stuff, and then they became formulaic and I hated them. He has come through lately with different stuff, but in there were some real stinkers. Mr. Deeds was a doozy as well, but Big Daddy gave me ZERO laughs, and more than a few regrets.

12. Sister Act 2

Years ago my family all went to this movie together in the theatre and I fell asleep in the first 20 minutes. How I lasted that long I don't recall. I think for a particular target audience it has a certan appeal, but I am clearly not one of that group.


Kenny said...

Good list that you have compiled here Jon ... but Armageddon wasn't THAT bad ...

Tony Tanti said...

Disagree kenny, Armageddon is one of the worst items of entertainment ever made.

I agree with everything on this list, except Seabiscuit, it's wasn't great, maybe not even that good but besides the close up scenes of the horse racing (that you've shown) the rest of the movie was ok I thought.

matthew a. wilkinson said...

I laughed at Big Daddy -in spite of myself. But I still laughed.

I love that you hate John Woo. And, oh man those Matrix sequels were terrible!!! They were so bad I have a hard time remembering how much I enjoyed the first one (and really, it's a sci-fi classic).

I haven't seen most of these pictures, actually.

It is so much fun ripping movies apart.

Jeff Coutts said...

and you say I'm cynical!

you hit the nail on the head with Jurassic Park 3 and Mission Impossible 2. Do you notice a pattern of sequels on this list?

Cheaper by the dozen wasn't so bad. I laughed. Especially at the convertible LeBaron. Wait, is that the same movie? who cares.

great list.

Daren said...

I was wondering why Gerry wasn't on the list- then I saw it on your list of best movies! I used to give DVD's of it as gag gifts and recommend it to people in the video store (remember those?) when I was feeling mean.

Otherwise, any of the movies on this list you have that I have seen belong on this list. I would add League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Charlie's Angels Full Throttle, both of which I only saw due to long flights.